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Back Again

so i decided to give lj another chance, it's been a while, specifically over a year! i've changed the majority of my older entries to 'friends only' just because it was such a long time ago and i was quite miserable (if you're interested they'll eventually all be tagged under 'oldschool'-but i wouldn't recommend it. it's not that interesting!) :D

so here we are; i'm lacking on inspiration right now so i'll have to get back to you.

Speculation

The most boring and detestable day today. I didn't get round to any revision, So i will make a go of it before I fall asleep tonight. Honestly I feel I wasted my Saturday but I don't really regret not revising. I'm pretty stressed and I realize that I needed today just to unwind.


I can't wait until uni, honestly I just keep thinking about how different it will be. I hope to get an adoring boyfriend and make a load of friends. I want to be the one who cooks for everyone in the kitchens and the loud one who shouts in the hallways. And the one who everyone thinks is sort of ditzy but is actually super intelligent. Still nothing ever works out that way does it.....


I fucking miss Adam still....But time is passing between us and eventually my feelings will surpass. if only I could have seen him just once more. I would have told him I loved him and atleast he would have known that I was being genuine and not just saying it after we had broken up to get him back. Still he's the fool, because now he'll never really know. And, honestly I think thats best.


I am also thinking about a tatoo. Thinking along the lines of the rabbit on the moon japanese myth. (my friend brought ina design, which initally sparked the idea.) I'll probably draw something and I want to write rabbit on the moon (usagi no tsuki) down the side in japanese text. i don't have the software for japanese text so romanjii will have to suffice.

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Two Months Heartache

I shan't lie, I am misrable as hell today. Its the would be four month anniversary Of Adam and myself, and two months since it's demise. I have cried twice today, for no reason really. Why should I be the one to cry over the stupid mistakes and failures of him? Alas in practice it seems a tad more difficult.

He is:
[[coward,immature,pathetic,prick,insensitive,tactless,careless,horrid,sick,nasty,depressed,harmful,abusive,selfish,two~faced,lying,hazardous,unemotive,out of touch,deluded]]

So why waste my breath?

Because i still care!!! Oh why though? there's no reason, no logic, no explaination, no consistency. And yet, I surcombe to these feelings. want to cry, want to scream, want to hurt, want to disappear. I want it to go away soon; even though, the worst is over I still feel empty and lonely. My emotions store up and then there's just a huge flood of tears, completely unstoppable.

I have AS exams in just under four weeks and it just seems I have the odds against me. Nonetheless I appear to be streaks ahead of other's revision. If only someone could wave a magic wand and take the pain away. I knew it was going to be painful, but it was a really good relationship considering the duration. It's just that it was what I wanted so badly. And it's absolutely horrid to think he didn't want to be with me, or didn't care enough.

Still I have to move on, I have to focus on what's important, he's hurt me enough. I don't need the rest of my life to be wasted hurting this much over him. It's finally two months, though thinking about it, it doesn't seem that long but it's felt like years. Time has moved so slowly this year, before it was great because I was happy, but now~maybe not such a good thing.

I think I've just about talked me feelings out, I feel numb again. Going to revise philosophy and ethics now. :(

A Very Bland Day

Sesson 32.

I wrote my first source answer during my history revision, and I think it went well. i really loathe Chemistry right now. It makes me misrable. It actually has the power to deflate my mood hahahaha. Amazing, huh? Gosh I cannot wait until I drop that crappy subject! I hope I get a D or maybe an E. A pass damn it.

Still today I lay in the sun at lunch and it was great. Still haven't tanned. Beginning to annoy me now....impaitent.

My psychology teacher has been annoying me for a while, she has missed three weeks of lessons, promised us an end of unit test and then didn't do it. She never gives us our essay's back and She doesn't really teach us the correct material. Today we saw her walking in tears....Maybe they found Out? Gemma said our head teacher saw her out of lesson early and asked her what lesson she had come out of. I'm sorry, kinda harsh but i refuse to comprimise my A~levels just for being 'nice'.

Sean appolguised to me, after Georgie asked me what had gone on. and I had told her. I assume she had shouted at him for using her. Well i would expect that atleast.

Tis about it for today....

Finally Completed Feats

Yick, totally been stressed out the last two days! I finally (yeah finally!) got my chemistry coursework done. Last night i finished it to an appalling standard ready to get in and over and done with today! However not as simplicit as it sounds. She gave us an extra two days deadline which; although I was annoyed about as i am behind with my revision schedule, I am pretty grateful for.

I spent all of my free periods tweaking it and adding in the extra method detail and its actually done! horay!

I devisied a revision time table to keep me on schedule, and tonight I have psychology. I will do an hour of stress and an hour of abnormality. No excuses!

More goodnews; Dads in tonight. He has counselling at six and then is coming home to watch the football! Atleast thats one thing off of my mind. though whenever he comes back he's always quiet and subdued.

Shouted at Sean as well last night. Finally, I have felt like doing it for ages now. First over summer he adds Georgie to Myspazz because he thinks she was Sam. He didn't ask me if he could do so, and in my mind has now violated my privacy completely. But; although I thought it was a little creepy, i let it go.

Then, a couple of days ago he adds Sam. And I just thought it was completely fucking out of order. If i had wanted them to be friends I would have introduced them LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO. But he just refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong and said he just wanted to be friends with random people. It's just funny that all of these randoms are in my friends lists?

It is a little pathetic but he's a creepy fuck and he has no right to disrespect me like that. If I had wanted them to be friends then I would have introduced them. He said he just wanted to add her because I had written in a blog that she was my best friend! BUT STILL WHAT FUCKING RIGHT DOES THAT GIVE YOU? MOTHERFUCKER!

The boy infuriates me and i hate him. I actually hate him! I also confronted him about saying that he wouldn't touch me because I have had bad relationships. and i said "fyi, my previous relationship was actually very good and very special, which was why i have been so devastated about the break down." It just seems so dispicable that he says he wouldn't touch me, and yet fails to mention that I wouldn't touch him, having already refused him numerous times! and heehehe, i told him that bad relationships were better than no relationships at all.

You try and give that cunt an inch and he takes a mile. Still I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Procrastination And The Latter

Well Trina's was alright actually though i missed the train and got mega stressed out! Ryan was there with his new hair~cut. Oh lord and he had to bring up Adam, which was a shame. Not that it came as a surprise whilst i was thinking about him. God just fucking get over him already.

Supposed to do my chemistry coursework, but didn't. Though i researched some useful information which is going to help me write the theory. Bah! four~five weeks left. I'm going to do this, I'm going to pass and then drop it and never ever ever think about nucleophillic substitution so long as I live!

Anyway, watching fruit basket just trying to unwind. I've wanted to revise psychology all day, but knew if i revised psychology the chemistry would be even less likely to be completed. Alas, to hell with it for now. Perhaps i will do some in half an hour!

Spoke to Tony and Chris today, I haven't spoken to them for ages and, as expected the conversations were short~lived. Chris pulled some girl on friday and seems to be pretty pleased with himself and Tony and Tracie have moved in together. Which, is okay I guess. Its a little soon but if they're mature enough to handle it then kudos to them. Tracie has issues with jealousy because she's been cheated on in the past. Something, that I can completely empathise with. Still I wish she would let me see him. Seems everyones love lives are coming together but mine!

Oh well, Arrigato menna!

Goodnight

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Birthday Drinks

I knew it was going to be awful and it was. Ugh! I had a fight with Sam over her lack of gratidue when I leant her money. I don't really want to talk about it much, though we appologuised and that seemed to be the end of it. Still, I feel completely awkard.

Today's been pretty slow, I've been procrastinating my chemistry coursework all day. Urgh! I really don't want to do it. Who honestly gives a shit about nucleophillic substitution anyway?

I'm going to have to do it at some point, might start it when I get back from Trina's. I'll only be gone for twoish hours so its not as though I'm loosing that time.

Haha! Natalie's chosen to go to Liverpool university. Thankfully. Still I might not get into UCL. I hope I do, desperately.

Prelude To The Birthday Drinks

Yesterday, I finally felt the affects of working. I came home and just slept on my sofa for tow hours, i was completely out from five until quater past seven. But, strangely I felt better for it.

Finally friday, though weekend's just don't seem the same anymore. Rotten revison and rotten lonliness are all my life seems to consist of currently. I can't wait to meet a boy who interests me and actually wants to be with me. Heaven forbid!

I've got Linda's birthday drinks tonight I want to buy a dress before hand else there'll be jeans and t~shirts. And Natalie is there so i want to look nice just for competition sake. hahahahahaha! I'm sorry, shes just not very attractive and she makes out shes got some kind of deity status. Public school~thats her problem!

Okay well I've put makeup on (something I don't normally do.) and I just need to wait for dad to wake up to take me to that hell whole of a town. I hope tonights going to be all right I am stressed but i just want to have fun. I hope there aren't too many stressors. i should survive though....

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Mock Results

My period arrived today, with a vengence! and now i have rotten cramps and it's quite heavy.

We got our mock results back today and...We sat down in silence and waited a couple of minutes before he said "I am so angry with you all, this is the worst mock results ever for a class, I can't speak to you now because i know that i will shout." He handed back our ethics essays (that one i finished ten minutes early because i had to pee.) and i got a middle C, which i didn't think was that bad. Steph got a B and a few people got E's and U's.

Then at the end of our lesson he gave us the philosophy test back and I was pretty nervous but when he gave mine back he said. "yours wasn't as bad." I got 55% over all which is a high C. I want a B so all i really need to do is push it up one or two boundries. And obviously make sure I pee before the exams!

Apart from that......More revision!

A Necessary Emotional Release. </3.

I feel somewhat melancholic again today. I miss Adam and had to fight off tears but I am going to assume that all this is due to hormones because I took my pills wrong and skipped a period(unintentionally.) Still I start taking them tomorrow.

I am a woman possessed, Adam is all I can think about again. I guess when I thought I was doing well, I was actually just repressing my feelings, or this could be the last step before it gets better. The last time I had to get over a boy was when I was just fourteen so I've forgotten how it goes. My last relationship terminated when i grew so sick of him and his mind games I just refused to play along anymore and so we stopped speaking.

Then I didn't feel any greif because I was so happy to be free. Things like getting the bed to myself and not being ordered what to do anymore. It was great and I enjoyed nearly every moment of it, Until i got lonely again~back in december and arranged a date with Adam or that wierd guy that tried to hit on me over summer.

I keep trying to convince myself that it would never have worked and I guess I am probably right. There were great points; such as the way we just clicked and the chemistry ect. But he too was kind of controlling, and i think maybe if i had gone to UCL he would have felt intimidated by that. I was equal to his level of intelligence and I am three years younger than him! Maybe It's better we broke up now afterall.

Ah, I dunno! I guess the important thing is we did brake up. And yes, it hurt and yes I miss him, but it probably didn't stand a chance of working anyway. He was too emotionally immature. Unfortunately not many people can share in my experiences so I don't often meet someone I can relate to.

don't really understand why this is being written now. I wanted to get it off my chest earlier but i had to do a stupid timed history essay. Still if gets me closer to UCL or any university that isn't Slough, then it'll be worth it. My emotional dependancy problems can wait for now.

I have counselling tomorrow night and revision maths after school. I will probably get virtually no revision done tomorrow night. Maybe thats not so terrible though. This weekend should be good too, It's Linda's 18th so we're going to go to the bars in camberley. I have to wait another eight months til I can drink legally, though when that happens I probably won't.

So to end my emotional expression atleast for another day. I will cope eventually, I will be fine!

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